Console Wars


Professor Moogles Archive |


Greetings, my clean slates and mounds of molding clay, I’m Professor Moogles.

As we rapidly approach the release of the Playstation 4 and Xbox One, we are going to see an even bigger increase in what is known as “console wars” breaking out all over the internet like herpes blisters filled with bile and misdirected hostility.

Pointless battle-lines are being drawn by people who are questionably even mentally able enough to wipe their own rears after taking a twosie. And as such, it’s time we analyze this behavior and take heed of the lessons we can all learn from these piles of atomic matter with personality disorders.

Ignore "Major Nelson", Xbone Is Still Funny.

Ignore “Major Nelson”, Xbone Is Still Funny.

Console wars mimic religious differences in many ways, and as such, we’re going to refer to anyone that picks a side as that consoles “Followers”. Because, when you get right down to it, that’s the kind of behavior we’re seeing.

Xbonites vs. Playstationeers vs. Nintendotes

Let’s look deeper at that religious concept, shall we? As you know, religious wars have plagued mankind for almost as long as religions themselves have existed. Be it Christian or Muslim or Jew, there have been many religious leaders who have believed their beliefs to be the “correct” ones and anyone that disagrees with their side is a heathen, and the same can easily be seen in game console followers. Xbonites like to believe the Xbox is the one true God, so to speak.

But what does this show to the Video Game Atheists or Non-Gamers? It shows us as a bunch of juvenile nutcases who are fighting each other over material things, over intangible theories, and simply over the things we choose to do with our time. Which is a perfect reflection of how some Atheists feel about religious people. Interesting, that.

What's Your ANGLE, Sony?

What’s Your ANGLE, Sony?

But, as most educated people know through experience and communicating with other human beings, there are many people in each religious group that simply do their own thing and don’t harass or judge other people. Just as there are Christians who are ok with you being a Buddhist, there are Xbox fans who are perfectly ok with you playing Wii U. No matter how many side-taking, I’m-Right-You’re-Wrong warriors there are, there will be just as many if not more people who are ok with your choices and won’t bother you about it.

There is also polytheism among the gamer nation. People who will have their Xbox One sitting next to their Wii U, and people who like to use their Dual Shock 4 to play Steam games. These people are even more disgusted by the wars going on since they’ve learned to embrace the good of all sides and lead a generally fuller existence.

But Professor Moogles, they cry, the Playstation 4 just announced it’s remote play isn’t going to work well unless you’re using the same wifi network! They’re withholding features to patch in later, and they’ve just announced you may need to check in online to play BluRay discs. Doesn’t that make them Satan and shouldn’t we burn their headquarters to the ground and stick Jack Tretton’s head on a pike outside the gate as a warning to others?

Sure, you could do that, but you’re forgetting another very important thing here…

STILL Not Selling Well. Like Scientology.

STILL Not Selling Well. Like Scientology.


That’s right, my friends: your horse is a dickhole too. The problem here isn’t one side or the other doing shitty things, it’s EVERY side having problems that we need to work through. Those that think the Xbone is “better” than the PS4 and that Microsoft does not have their own share of issues are giving those people power to continue being dirtbags with their business decisions. We can’t excuse one side’s nonsense, or it’ll just continue the process of screwing consumers.

PS4 has issues. Xbone has issues. Wii U has issues. Most major publishers have problems as do a lot of developers. We have to rise above the “this one is less shit than this one” attitude, because all it does is make the side that is “winning” feel like they can get away with things since they’re the lesser of two (or three in this case) evils. We can enjoy their consoles and still call out the problems that are coming out, but we can’t when we’re ONLY calling out the problems of devices we choose not to use.

So how do we handle the console warriors besides a forced neutering program to assure we don’t have the same problem with the Xbox One 2, the Playstation 10, and the Super Wii New U?

Simple: Don’t bite. Don’t argue for or against a console. Don’t force your religion on others. If you want to believe in Sony and pray to it every day, all the more power to you. If you want to read Wii U scripture while waiting for games to come out, that’s your decision. We all have our preferences, and they’re all shitty in some ways and great in others.

So don’t be a dick and stop the console wars. Ok? Ok.

Good talk, students. You’re dismissed.


Professor Moogles Archive |


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